Hack The Hell of Naked God

It was a fine after noon and I sat on the chair and started to read a novel. It was a good one. Suddenly I saw two giant fellows coming to my home and asked me to get into a car. I resisted but they took me forcibly. They two were Negros I think, people we used to see in Hollywood movies. I was like a kid going to school for the first time in life, hanging on their fingers and trying to run away unsuccessfully all the time. They took me to a place where everything seemed to be white. No! Everything was white. White clothes, white chairs and light white snow were falling all over. If anything was black, it was the two Negros. My entire body was covered by snow so that even I looked white for the first and last time in my life. I saw a table with grapes, apple, orange and many other fruits I don’t know their names, everything was white and kept in a white plate.
Am I in white house? No way! I don’t even have an American visa. I thought.
Suddenly a man in white suites came to me and welcomed me.

“Hai buddy ,welcome to the heaven”. And he signaled the two kidnappers to move away and they vanished.
Is he George Bush? I was confused and threw my tongue at him.

“ Oh! Thank you. But can you explain me what’s going on?”. I wanted to know it.

“Yeah, not a big deal. You are just kidnapped by my men.” He said casually.
What the hell! I am not Osama Bin Laden. Neither my parents are rich to pay the ransom. I am not sure whether my kidneys are working or not, though I know I don’t have any urinal problem.

“Gentle man, I think I am not the one you are expecting here”. I really wanted to convince him and get away from there.

“Relax Aneesh. Do you want some water?”.
Now that seems to be a great problem. He knows my name. So I am famous in America also? Fine!

“See Mr. Bush, I am not the one who flew plane on 9/11 and I even don’t know Arabic. Listen to my accent, It’s perfect Indian”. I dint want to tell him I am from Kerala , he might have asked his body guards to shoot me on the spot.

“ Ha! Ha! Ha! Who told you that my name is Bush?” He laughed like he was watching Mammootty dancing.

“Then, tell me who are you?” I was sure he was not Obama. He will take the charge of white house only by January and after all he is a black man.

“ I am God”. His voice seemed to be elevated.

“Okay, now I got where I am standing right now and who you are”

“Very good Aneesh, I know you are an intelligent guy”

“This is a bar and your tummy has enough alcohol in it.” I was damn sure about it.

“Alas! I want to call god but I am the god myself. How can I tell you?” He was upset. “Look at the floors you are standing on”
I just dropped my eyes down. Wow! I was standing on white clouds. Then he is right, I am in the heaven. He is the god. Who were those two who took me here? May be twin sons of Mr.Yaman,I guess. But In Mahabharatha Yaman was an Indian. Is he married to a Negro girl? I don’t know.

“So you are god and I am here in heaven” he nodded his head. “That means I died?” I felt to cry. I died? I can’t believe this man, I am only 22 yrs old and I died! “You are so cruel. How did it happen? Was it an accident? I don’t even know how to drive. Was it a terrorist attack? After all I am an Indian .” I started to sob.

“ No boy, you were reading a book and we will drop you there in your house after a while”. He consoled me. “I was getting bored here and wanted someone to chat with me”

“Oho! So I am alive”. I was happy. “But you should have requested to me to come here, not kidnapping like this. I mean you should have shown some manners”. Was I getting angry?

“Leave it man. It’s just fun” He was not bothered of kidnapping someone for fun.
Ok. It’s the time to ask him something very serious. I was selected for an IT company one and half years ago and I completed my graduation. Still I am waiting for my date of joining which is delayed for a long time because of the financial crisis.

“Can you tell me why I am sitting in my home watching TV and browsing Internet all the time? I have none to speak with me. And I am left with not even ten rupees in my pocket. You know how boring it is?” I was complaining.

“So you want to know what’s happening with you. Isn’t it? I'll tell you. You are virtually imprisoned by me”. He sounded rude.

“What???!! What did I do?” I was shocked. I haven’t committed any crime other than blogging.

“You completed 22 years of your life.”

“Is that a crime?!” I asked.

“Don’t interrupt. Just listen to me. Out of these 22 yrs, you had no clue for the first 4 yrs. Then what left are 18. You used to sleep 9 hours per day that means you slept for almost 6.75 years. You watched TV for 2.5 years. You played games1.5 years. You studied for 0.66 years. You were eating for 1.125 years. And you were chatting with your friends for almost 4 years. And for one and half years you did nothing except drooling over girls. Do you know how much valuable time you wasted in our life?”

“Yeah fine! You seem to be very good with numbers. But what you told me is called life.”

“I want to teach you the value of time”

“Ok that’s why you are delaying my joining date and I am virtually imprisoned for a while. Agreed! Then tell me, you are supposed to be the man who controls the whole universe. Ain't you?” I asked gently.

“Yes I am” he was so proud of himself.

“Then I am telling you, you should be imprisoned for life time or should be hanged.” I shouted.

“What the hell!” He too was getting angry.

“If you are controlling everything, you are the man behind each and every crime happening in the world. You are the culprit. You are the one who created Tsunami, you planted bombs in the markets, you smuggled drugs, you killed millions of people in the wars, you killed many in floods and communal violence ,you created AIDS, you shot Gandhiji and you created biology exam in which I sucked badly” I was roaring at him.

“Enough!” He came on me. “Hold your tongue. You don’t know how to behave properly. You get angry so quickly and use such an abusive language. You think you are Harbhajan Singh.huh? You don’t even know how to show respect for others” His fist started to roll.

“You are teaching me how to behave to others? How funny! I was here for the last twenty five minutes and you dint offered me that white grapes and apples, did you?.” I had my eye on them from the first look itself.

“They are made in China. I think using some synthetic rubber or something like that” He said.

“How much did you pay? I mean in rupees..” I inquired.

“Some 200 bucks. I guess”

“I will get you them for 100 bucks.”

“is it?”

“yeah,I will get it from Kunnamkulam.”

“No, I prefer Chinese”. He was not interested.

“So are you a communist?” I really doubt for his Chinese love. Then he should have red clothes instead of this white outlook.

“I am everything” He was so much self proclaimed god.
What is this? I was arguing with him. Where this Chinese crap came from? I again raised my eyebrow and asked him.

“Man, tell me what your sex is? I mean are you a male or female?”

“Again I am everything.” I hated him while saying this.

“You are male everywhere. Christians call you the heavenly father. Father can’t be female. And nuns are waiting for their father to marry them. Is it true? Are they brides? Hindus have Thrimoorthees. All are male and married to women. They got children also. Number of gods are too high that every Indian will get at least two gods their own. You know that? And there is Allah also. Yet another male I think. And you are saying that you are everything.huh?” I had all the logic.

“Are you a feminist? It’s not me who created your gods. It’s you people who created your own gods. You created them the way you wanted. And you are quarrelling among yourself. I have given you the capacity to think and take decision. You are making all the wrong decisions and you the little jobless idiot condemning me for all your problems? I am single and unique. What the hell I am supposed to do with your gods?”.

“You called me feminist? Are you blind? Look at me. I am male.” I was too angry. And my mobile phone ringed. And I thanked Airtel for their coverage in heaven.

“Oh you came with your mobile? Switch it off”. He sounded strict.

“Sorry. I cant, it’s my girlfriend.” I wasn’t afraid.

“Then I will kick your ass out of here” he stood on his feet and pushed me down.

I fell down and pressed the green button of my phone. “Hello”

“Hello dear, what are you doing there? Why so long…?” She was not happy.

“You know what happened right now. I am right here in holy heaven” and I explained everything happened.

She started to laugh and told me. “Hmmm.. so you made it a habit. Huh?”

“What? It never happened before”. Yes, I was for the first time to heaven.

“You fall asleep every time you start reading something”.
I looked around. It was not at all white. It’s my chair, my book there down. Oh no!

“So I was dreaming? But I saw god and I spoke to him. I dint believe in god, still I saw him. I am really confused” . I was really perplexed.

“Take my word dear. You just dreamed. There is nothing like god or anything like that. You were reading ‘God of Small things’ and you have only noticed the title. That’s where god came from into your dream.” She was sure of her words.
Oh. That’s it!! Still I had some questions left for god. Any way it’s a dream. She could solve it.
I remembered the famous quote. “If you are confused, first listen to your heart then listen to your head, then your wife will tell you what to do.”